This was written Aug 2011 - While I still struggle with a few dark moments, none lately are as bad as this was. It is time to publish it. I have been afraid of how people would judge me after reading it, but it is what it is. My 13 year old kitty Bear did pass away that Sept a week after Pat's sister Melissa passed away. without further ado....
Suicide is such a taboo subject, but I have decided to tackle it head on. I have spent most of the month of July in what I call "The darkness" and have decided that maybe this will help someone who may need it. All summer, with the kids at home, and the cost of living going up, up, up and everything crashing around us, I went spiraling head first into the darkness.
All of my friends have their own issues and struggles, and I was not willing or wanting to add my troubles to theirs. I did not want to sound greedy as my birthday rolled around and we were so broke that my husband couldn't get me a little gift. I didn't want anyone to know that with a few family members about to go shake hands with Jesus and my 13 year old cat looking like he was going to the Happy Mousing Grounds that it was all becoming too much to handle.
All of the darkness was building and building with nowhere to go was starting to mess with other things that are needed to fully function. Late nights where becoming a constant thing, as well as no energy and no desire to eat. I wanted to be happy and cheerful so that nobody knew how close to the edge I was getting. The main problem, is how society now views the word "suicide".
Back in 2002 on my third pregnancy, I once again miscarried. The first miscarriage was done and over before I caught on that I was pregnant, the second was not only known I was expecting, but I knew that I was carrying a boy. The little boy even had a name. My best friend turned up pregnant right after I did and I was following two weeks behind my sister in law and I threw her the baby shower. That was HARD. At the time, my husband was working 100+ hours a week and when I asked him to watch our daughter while I went to the ER, or would he go with me, I got the rudest comment he has ever given. So, I took our daughter and went to the ER alone and ended up calling Mom to help with her while they ran the necessary tests.
After two weeks of hoping and praying that I had not lost the pregnancy that it was just a menstrual cycle that happens during pregnancy, the day it was confirmed that I lost the baby, I had a WIC appointment. I went to the appointment to cancel since I was no longer expecting, that I wished to withdraw my application. The lady told me that I still qualified for 3 months to help the body recover from the loss, and asked how I was doing. My words were "Today is not a good day, but I will live" No big deal right.... WRONG
Next thing I know I am being sent to a hospital and they are threatening to take my baby girl away if I do not seek help as they feel I am suicidal. They even called the local hospital and told them to expect me and made it sound so much worse than it was. So, there I was talking to someone from MHMR and it was decided that I should go in for an evaluation and go from there.
Before I know it, I was on Zoloft and on one of the highest doses. Each month I went in and asked when would we be able to talk about why I was marked as depressed. All I needed was someone to talk to. Someone to listen to why I was hurting inside. I lost a baby and hosted my sister in laws baby shower. I had lost the baby I wanted and had already named. I lost a piece of my heart and all I needed was for someone to listen and lend me a shoulder to cry on.
Instead, I was told that they are just there to regulate my meds and that when I was "stable" they would pull me off the medications. So, that day I decided it was time to fix the problem myself. I went home and flushed all the pills down the toilet and then called my husband 8 shades of asshole for what he did when I lost his child and in the end made him cry over it. I almost felt bad about doing that, but he had a hand in the darkness and needed the wake up call that he was about to wind up divorced. It took a few months, but it got better and then two years later I delivered a son.
If the lady in the WIC office had not threatened to have my child taken from me, I would not have been so afraid to ask for help this time around. Society is so big about if someone mentions that they want to end it all that they need a 3 day evaluation period and a ton of happy pills to make the bad thoughts go away. There are no treatments that just allow you to talk and get whatever is bothering you off your chest. If you want to say you are mad enough to kill someone, that is just as bad, if not worse, because then you are marked a threat to others. There are very few healthy options that do not involve medications or intensive therapy because heaven help that we say or do something wrong.
This last month, all I wanted to do was cry and scream at all that was going wrong. There was no serious depression, just a bunch of really bad days. I think that everybody needs a few bad days, it is unnatural to go through life fully doped up on happy pills because you cannot cope with everyday stress. However before I get blasted, major depression is a good reason for the medications, but talking to the patients with more than "How are your meds working for you this month?" would also be a BIG bonus. In my church I could ask the preacher for help, but he normally talks about some of the problems he hears about and some ways to fix them at the pulpit, and I don't want the whole church to know my business. While he never gives names, he does mention the issue which make me uncomfortable.
I was having major jealousy issues because everyone was to busy to talk. Everyone wanted to visit and hang out, but if there was any serious talk, they were too busy or their problems were legitimelty bigger than mine. Over time, I worked through most of these feelings, and what helped most was pouring them onto here.
Monday, November 26, 2012
A friends passing and the dealing with the shadows
Today was a rough day. Not that the school work was difficult, or that I had a big BIG project coming, that panic is being reserved for next week. I was waiting out front of class for a friend just like I do every Monday and Wednesday since August 27th, and when he didn't show up for class, I sent a text to make sure he was ok. Well, as we are going through the rest of the Baroque period and listening to Vivaldi (one of my favorite composers) I was making sure to take good notes so that I could email them for our quiz on Monday. We almost always listen together before the quiz to make sure that the music is fresh in our memories and have a better shot at passing. Well, today after class I learned there was a very good reason he was not in class Monday or today. The text I received was from his girlfriend informing me of his passing away on Monday morning.
I don't know why his passing away is bothering me so bad today, maybe it is because it was unexpected or I was looking forward to seeing him at class time because we were always chatting before class. Last Wednesday, we were talking about my speech coming up, and he was helping by pointing out the flaws in my speech. We had joked about him playing devils' advocate. I had to email the teacher to let him know that my friend David had passed away. For a little while I listened to my audio book while checking on facebook to see what happened and post my condolences to his family. The only reason I didn't leave school was that there was a debate over government vs anarchy and I wanted to hear what was said.
Lately, I have been lost in the shadows, and I now know the terrible truth. The shadows have teeth and they will eat you if you are not strong enough to fight back. I moved in with Mom the last weekend of September because we both need help. She needed to get back on her feet, and I didn't realize what kind of deposit I needed for renting a house. The idea was move in for three to four months and then move back out on our own and then Mom should be back on her feet as well.
Thinking that everything would go alright, I started to get a little excited about the move. The kid would have their own rooms, we would have a room, there is a back yard, and I would be right down the road form school. Sounds great doesn't it! yeah right.....*sigh*
I was at school when I received a call from my Aunt Amber. I have been formally summoned by my Grandma and Grandpa Paslay. Since they are the biggest part of the family hierarchy there is no getting around it. So, we agreed to cut off early the Friday to meet with them. As we guessed, we were asked about helping Mom with some of her bills, and they wanted to make sure that we were not sponging off of her and living for free. That was fine, we went over their suggestions on the apartments and how we should help. Still fine, family should help family. That is the way it should be, and I believe it would be enormously unfair to move in and saddle Mom with all the extra bills.
Well, I had a speech coming up about child molestation, and the Friday night, my nephew calls. I have been chatting with him on facebook, but the last time I saw or heard from him was 4 years ago before taking Faith to the ER and the state filing charges. Fine, whatever I got this, I can handle this. Oh I was so wrong!
So, I get to school on Monday and it is the middle of October. We have been living with Mom for 2 weeks, re-tiled one of her apartments, been advertising trying to get it rented, worked for over 4 weeks without so much of a half day to relax. Hubby is on severe meltdown, Mom is cranky and over stressed, the kids are starting to get antsy about everything and snipe at each other. Everything is building to one horrid crescendo of misery when after music class, my Grandma calls and announces that there is over $3000 due on the house payments (they are the lien holders) and we need to figure out how to pay that. Well Shit! What the hell am I supposed to do?!? End result, well I botched the speech because I started having flash backs and a major panic attack. I fled the room feeling like an idiot, and emailed the Professor to let him know what happened.
Ok, can't get much worse right? Ah, but that is when it is the most fun for things to go wrong! The week after the panic attack and everything, I get home after school to find the city of Fort Worth pet division parked outside the house. Mom was getting cited for having too many cats.
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That was a few weeks ago. I really need to learn how to finish some of these. Particulary with how fast time flies as it is now the Monday past Thanksgiving. Well, to end my tirad of misery above, all hell broke loose it is still working itself out. The cat issue is under control, I still miss my friend, and all my speeches are done for the semester. :)
I don't know why his passing away is bothering me so bad today, maybe it is because it was unexpected or I was looking forward to seeing him at class time because we were always chatting before class. Last Wednesday, we were talking about my speech coming up, and he was helping by pointing out the flaws in my speech. We had joked about him playing devils' advocate. I had to email the teacher to let him know that my friend David had passed away. For a little while I listened to my audio book while checking on facebook to see what happened and post my condolences to his family. The only reason I didn't leave school was that there was a debate over government vs anarchy and I wanted to hear what was said.
Lately, I have been lost in the shadows, and I now know the terrible truth. The shadows have teeth and they will eat you if you are not strong enough to fight back. I moved in with Mom the last weekend of September because we both need help. She needed to get back on her feet, and I didn't realize what kind of deposit I needed for renting a house. The idea was move in for three to four months and then move back out on our own and then Mom should be back on her feet as well.
Thinking that everything would go alright, I started to get a little excited about the move. The kid would have their own rooms, we would have a room, there is a back yard, and I would be right down the road form school. Sounds great doesn't it! yeah right.....*sigh*
I was at school when I received a call from my Aunt Amber. I have been formally summoned by my Grandma and Grandpa Paslay. Since they are the biggest part of the family hierarchy there is no getting around it. So, we agreed to cut off early the Friday to meet with them. As we guessed, we were asked about helping Mom with some of her bills, and they wanted to make sure that we were not sponging off of her and living for free. That was fine, we went over their suggestions on the apartments and how we should help. Still fine, family should help family. That is the way it should be, and I believe it would be enormously unfair to move in and saddle Mom with all the extra bills.
Well, I had a speech coming up about child molestation, and the Friday night, my nephew calls. I have been chatting with him on facebook, but the last time I saw or heard from him was 4 years ago before taking Faith to the ER and the state filing charges. Fine, whatever I got this, I can handle this. Oh I was so wrong!
So, I get to school on Monday and it is the middle of October. We have been living with Mom for 2 weeks, re-tiled one of her apartments, been advertising trying to get it rented, worked for over 4 weeks without so much of a half day to relax. Hubby is on severe meltdown, Mom is cranky and over stressed, the kids are starting to get antsy about everything and snipe at each other. Everything is building to one horrid crescendo of misery when after music class, my Grandma calls and announces that there is over $3000 due on the house payments (they are the lien holders) and we need to figure out how to pay that. Well Shit! What the hell am I supposed to do?!? End result, well I botched the speech because I started having flash backs and a major panic attack. I fled the room feeling like an idiot, and emailed the Professor to let him know what happened.
Ok, can't get much worse right? Ah, but that is when it is the most fun for things to go wrong! The week after the panic attack and everything, I get home after school to find the city of Fort Worth pet division parked outside the house. Mom was getting cited for having too many cats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was a few weeks ago. I really need to learn how to finish some of these. Particulary with how fast time flies as it is now the Monday past Thanksgiving. Well, to end my tirad of misery above, all hell broke loose it is still working itself out. The cat issue is under control, I still miss my friend, and all my speeches are done for the semester. :)
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