This was written Aug 2011 - While I still struggle with a few dark moments, none lately are as bad as this was. It is time to publish it. I have been afraid of how people would judge me after reading it, but it is what it is. My 13 year old kitty Bear did pass away that Sept a week after Pat's sister Melissa passed away. without further ado....
Suicide is such a taboo subject, but I have decided to tackle it head on. I have spent most of the month of July in what I call "The darkness" and have decided that maybe this will help someone who may need it. All summer, with the kids at home, and the cost of living going up, up, up and everything crashing around us, I went spiraling head first into the darkness.
All of my friends have their own issues and struggles, and I was not willing or wanting to add my troubles to theirs. I did not want to sound greedy as my birthday rolled around and we were so broke that my husband couldn't get me a little gift. I didn't want anyone to know that with a few family members about to go shake hands with Jesus and my 13 year old cat looking like he was going to the Happy Mousing Grounds that it was all becoming too much to handle.
All of the darkness was building and building with nowhere to go was starting to mess with other things that are needed to fully function. Late nights where becoming a constant thing, as well as no energy and no desire to eat. I wanted to be happy and cheerful so that nobody knew how close to the edge I was getting. The main problem, is how society now views the word "suicide".
Back in 2002 on my third pregnancy, I once again miscarried. The first miscarriage was done and over before I caught on that I was pregnant, the second was not only known I was expecting, but I knew that I was carrying a boy. The little boy even had a name. My best friend turned up pregnant right after I did and I was following two weeks behind my sister in law and I threw her the baby shower. That was HARD. At the time, my husband was working 100+ hours a week and when I asked him to watch our daughter while I went to the ER, or would he go with me, I got the rudest comment he has ever given. So, I took our daughter and went to the ER alone and ended up calling Mom to help with her while they ran the necessary tests.
After two weeks of hoping and praying that I had not lost the pregnancy that it was just a menstrual cycle that happens during pregnancy, the day it was confirmed that I lost the baby, I had a WIC appointment. I went to the appointment to cancel since I was no longer expecting, that I wished to withdraw my application. The lady told me that I still qualified for 3 months to help the body recover from the loss, and asked how I was doing. My words were "Today is not a good day, but I will live" No big deal right.... WRONG
Next thing I know I am being sent to a hospital and they are threatening to take my baby girl away if I do not seek help as they feel I am suicidal. They even called the local hospital and told them to expect me and made it sound so much worse than it was. So, there I was talking to someone from MHMR and it was decided that I should go in for an evaluation and go from there.
Before I know it, I was on Zoloft and on one of the highest doses. Each month I went in and asked when would we be able to talk about why I was marked as depressed. All I needed was someone to talk to. Someone to listen to why I was hurting inside. I lost a baby and hosted my sister in laws baby shower. I had lost the baby I wanted and had already named. I lost a piece of my heart and all I needed was for someone to listen and lend me a shoulder to cry on.
Instead, I was told that they are just there to regulate my meds and that when I was "stable" they would pull me off the medications. So, that day I decided it was time to fix the problem myself. I went home and flushed all the pills down the toilet and then called my husband 8 shades of asshole for what he did when I lost his child and in the end made him cry over it. I almost felt bad about doing that, but he had a hand in the darkness and needed the wake up call that he was about to wind up divorced. It took a few months, but it got better and then two years later I delivered a son.
If the lady in the WIC office had not threatened to have my child taken from me, I would not have been so afraid to ask for help this time around. Society is so big about if someone mentions that they want to end it all that they need a 3 day evaluation period and a ton of happy pills to make the bad thoughts go away. There are no treatments that just allow you to talk and get whatever is bothering you off your chest. If you want to say you are mad enough to kill someone, that is just as bad, if not worse, because then you are marked a threat to others. There are very few healthy options that do not involve medications or intensive therapy because heaven help that we say or do something wrong.
This last month, all I wanted to do was cry and scream at all that was going wrong. There was no serious depression, just a bunch of really bad days. I think that everybody needs a few bad days, it is unnatural to go through life fully doped up on happy pills because you cannot cope with everyday stress. However before I get blasted, major depression is a good reason for the medications, but talking to the patients with more than "How are your meds working for you this month?" would also be a BIG bonus. In my church I could ask the preacher for help, but he normally talks about some of the problems he hears about and some ways to fix them at the pulpit, and I don't want the whole church to know my business. While he never gives names, he does mention the issue which make me uncomfortable.
I was having major jealousy issues because everyone was to busy to talk. Everyone wanted to visit and hang out, but if there was any serious talk, they were too busy or their problems were legitimelty bigger than mine. Over time, I worked through most of these feelings, and what helped most was pouring them onto here.
Monday, November 26, 2012
A friends passing and the dealing with the shadows
Today was a rough day. Not that the school work was difficult, or that I had a big BIG project coming, that panic is being reserved for next week. I was waiting out front of class for a friend just like I do every Monday and Wednesday since August 27th, and when he didn't show up for class, I sent a text to make sure he was ok. Well, as we are going through the rest of the Baroque period and listening to Vivaldi (one of my favorite composers) I was making sure to take good notes so that I could email them for our quiz on Monday. We almost always listen together before the quiz to make sure that the music is fresh in our memories and have a better shot at passing. Well, today after class I learned there was a very good reason he was not in class Monday or today. The text I received was from his girlfriend informing me of his passing away on Monday morning.
I don't know why his passing away is bothering me so bad today, maybe it is because it was unexpected or I was looking forward to seeing him at class time because we were always chatting before class. Last Wednesday, we were talking about my speech coming up, and he was helping by pointing out the flaws in my speech. We had joked about him playing devils' advocate. I had to email the teacher to let him know that my friend David had passed away. For a little while I listened to my audio book while checking on facebook to see what happened and post my condolences to his family. The only reason I didn't leave school was that there was a debate over government vs anarchy and I wanted to hear what was said.
Lately, I have been lost in the shadows, and I now know the terrible truth. The shadows have teeth and they will eat you if you are not strong enough to fight back. I moved in with Mom the last weekend of September because we both need help. She needed to get back on her feet, and I didn't realize what kind of deposit I needed for renting a house. The idea was move in for three to four months and then move back out on our own and then Mom should be back on her feet as well.
Thinking that everything would go alright, I started to get a little excited about the move. The kid would have their own rooms, we would have a room, there is a back yard, and I would be right down the road form school. Sounds great doesn't it! yeah right.....*sigh*
I was at school when I received a call from my Aunt Amber. I have been formally summoned by my Grandma and Grandpa Paslay. Since they are the biggest part of the family hierarchy there is no getting around it. So, we agreed to cut off early the Friday to meet with them. As we guessed, we were asked about helping Mom with some of her bills, and they wanted to make sure that we were not sponging off of her and living for free. That was fine, we went over their suggestions on the apartments and how we should help. Still fine, family should help family. That is the way it should be, and I believe it would be enormously unfair to move in and saddle Mom with all the extra bills.
Well, I had a speech coming up about child molestation, and the Friday night, my nephew calls. I have been chatting with him on facebook, but the last time I saw or heard from him was 4 years ago before taking Faith to the ER and the state filing charges. Fine, whatever I got this, I can handle this. Oh I was so wrong!
So, I get to school on Monday and it is the middle of October. We have been living with Mom for 2 weeks, re-tiled one of her apartments, been advertising trying to get it rented, worked for over 4 weeks without so much of a half day to relax. Hubby is on severe meltdown, Mom is cranky and over stressed, the kids are starting to get antsy about everything and snipe at each other. Everything is building to one horrid crescendo of misery when after music class, my Grandma calls and announces that there is over $3000 due on the house payments (they are the lien holders) and we need to figure out how to pay that. Well Shit! What the hell am I supposed to do?!? End result, well I botched the speech because I started having flash backs and a major panic attack. I fled the room feeling like an idiot, and emailed the Professor to let him know what happened.
Ok, can't get much worse right? Ah, but that is when it is the most fun for things to go wrong! The week after the panic attack and everything, I get home after school to find the city of Fort Worth pet division parked outside the house. Mom was getting cited for having too many cats.
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That was a few weeks ago. I really need to learn how to finish some of these. Particulary with how fast time flies as it is now the Monday past Thanksgiving. Well, to end my tirad of misery above, all hell broke loose it is still working itself out. The cat issue is under control, I still miss my friend, and all my speeches are done for the semester. :)
I don't know why his passing away is bothering me so bad today, maybe it is because it was unexpected or I was looking forward to seeing him at class time because we were always chatting before class. Last Wednesday, we were talking about my speech coming up, and he was helping by pointing out the flaws in my speech. We had joked about him playing devils' advocate. I had to email the teacher to let him know that my friend David had passed away. For a little while I listened to my audio book while checking on facebook to see what happened and post my condolences to his family. The only reason I didn't leave school was that there was a debate over government vs anarchy and I wanted to hear what was said.
Lately, I have been lost in the shadows, and I now know the terrible truth. The shadows have teeth and they will eat you if you are not strong enough to fight back. I moved in with Mom the last weekend of September because we both need help. She needed to get back on her feet, and I didn't realize what kind of deposit I needed for renting a house. The idea was move in for three to four months and then move back out on our own and then Mom should be back on her feet as well.
Thinking that everything would go alright, I started to get a little excited about the move. The kid would have their own rooms, we would have a room, there is a back yard, and I would be right down the road form school. Sounds great doesn't it! yeah right.....*sigh*
I was at school when I received a call from my Aunt Amber. I have been formally summoned by my Grandma and Grandpa Paslay. Since they are the biggest part of the family hierarchy there is no getting around it. So, we agreed to cut off early the Friday to meet with them. As we guessed, we were asked about helping Mom with some of her bills, and they wanted to make sure that we were not sponging off of her and living for free. That was fine, we went over their suggestions on the apartments and how we should help. Still fine, family should help family. That is the way it should be, and I believe it would be enormously unfair to move in and saddle Mom with all the extra bills.
Well, I had a speech coming up about child molestation, and the Friday night, my nephew calls. I have been chatting with him on facebook, but the last time I saw or heard from him was 4 years ago before taking Faith to the ER and the state filing charges. Fine, whatever I got this, I can handle this. Oh I was so wrong!
So, I get to school on Monday and it is the middle of October. We have been living with Mom for 2 weeks, re-tiled one of her apartments, been advertising trying to get it rented, worked for over 4 weeks without so much of a half day to relax. Hubby is on severe meltdown, Mom is cranky and over stressed, the kids are starting to get antsy about everything and snipe at each other. Everything is building to one horrid crescendo of misery when after music class, my Grandma calls and announces that there is over $3000 due on the house payments (they are the lien holders) and we need to figure out how to pay that. Well Shit! What the hell am I supposed to do?!? End result, well I botched the speech because I started having flash backs and a major panic attack. I fled the room feeling like an idiot, and emailed the Professor to let him know what happened.
Ok, can't get much worse right? Ah, but that is when it is the most fun for things to go wrong! The week after the panic attack and everything, I get home after school to find the city of Fort Worth pet division parked outside the house. Mom was getting cited for having too many cats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was a few weeks ago. I really need to learn how to finish some of these. Particulary with how fast time flies as it is now the Monday past Thanksgiving. Well, to end my tirad of misery above, all hell broke loose it is still working itself out. The cat issue is under control, I still miss my friend, and all my speeches are done for the semester. :)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Baseball Moms with Intercranialrectumitis
Today at my sons baseball games, I had a sudden urge to violently attack one of the other parents. This is not a normal thing, but today it just hit really hard on the wrong nerve. Before getting to far into it, my son is only 6 years old and the league group is CP1 (also known as coach pitch 1).
The rules are fairly basic. The coach pitches, the batter runs, and both sides try to score runs. Basically a no brainer as far as for their age it should be FUN! The age group is for 5/6 year olds and this is the time they learn the basic rules for running bases, scoring runs, strikes,balls, and have fun playing the game because they like it.
Today, we were once again getting stomped point wise and suddenly the woman behind me started talking smack about the assistant coach who was telling the players to pay attention. This normally wouldn't be a problem, but the assistant coach happens to be my husband. Then she continues to yell about how the coach pitching isn't doing it right.
Before moving on, one thing I would like to point out. Her husband was supposed to be coach but his background was big time red flagged! Also, last year we turned him in for manhandling my son. The woman behind me hurling insults at my family is so self absorbed that she even went over to the coaches and spoke in spanish only to the only coach out of the four that spoke the language. To throw fuel on the fire, I understood what she was saying and had to reign in my desire to grab her by her hair and ram her head into the fence pole.
She basically said that the coach was doing it wrong and that they need to change outfield because her precious boys team was not winning. She also has a tendency to do this at the practices as well. The coach decided to give in and changed the line up. Then it really went into the toilet.
Her son was know mad that he was moved from his friend who he was chatting and turning circles with and threw a huge hissy fit. His mom got hacked when he was told that he needed to either play or sit out. It is not safe for kids to be romping in the back of the field with baseballs flying their way. So, Miss Thing grabbed her kid and left spewing hate behind her.
This is supposed to be about the GAME! The FUN! Not some Pre-Madonna on a broomstick. The simple pleasure that we make room and sacrifice for so our son can play and have fun is being beaten down by the all consuming urging of the parents to WIN WIN WIN! The best lessons in life are learned through failure. They are learned by screwing up time and time again till they figure it out. That is the best feeling in the world, and I feel the boys are being cheated out of this glorious feeling.
The rules are fairly basic. The coach pitches, the batter runs, and both sides try to score runs. Basically a no brainer as far as for their age it should be FUN! The age group is for 5/6 year olds and this is the time they learn the basic rules for running bases, scoring runs, strikes,balls, and have fun playing the game because they like it.
Today, we were once again getting stomped point wise and suddenly the woman behind me started talking smack about the assistant coach who was telling the players to pay attention. This normally wouldn't be a problem, but the assistant coach happens to be my husband. Then she continues to yell about how the coach pitching isn't doing it right.
Before moving on, one thing I would like to point out. Her husband was supposed to be coach but his background was big time red flagged! Also, last year we turned him in for manhandling my son. The woman behind me hurling insults at my family is so self absorbed that she even went over to the coaches and spoke in spanish only to the only coach out of the four that spoke the language. To throw fuel on the fire, I understood what she was saying and had to reign in my desire to grab her by her hair and ram her head into the fence pole.
She basically said that the coach was doing it wrong and that they need to change outfield because her precious boys team was not winning. She also has a tendency to do this at the practices as well. The coach decided to give in and changed the line up. Then it really went into the toilet.
Her son was know mad that he was moved from his friend who he was chatting and turning circles with and threw a huge hissy fit. His mom got hacked when he was told that he needed to either play or sit out. It is not safe for kids to be romping in the back of the field with baseballs flying their way. So, Miss Thing grabbed her kid and left spewing hate behind her.
This is supposed to be about the GAME! The FUN! Not some Pre-Madonna on a broomstick. The simple pleasure that we make room and sacrifice for so our son can play and have fun is being beaten down by the all consuming urging of the parents to WIN WIN WIN! The best lessons in life are learned through failure. They are learned by screwing up time and time again till they figure it out. That is the best feeling in the world, and I feel the boys are being cheated out of this glorious feeling.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Just Because - A Facebook Rant
Just because I don't re-post or every picture of God, Jesus or bible verses does not make me less of a Christian. My faith is strong and I will lead by example in person not facebook posts.
Just because I don't re-post or share every post that opposes the violence against children or the death of a terminally ill child doesn't make me an uncaring hag. I have children that I love unconditionally and would do anything to protect. I believe that while children need discipline, they do not deserve to be beaten either physically, verbally or emotionally. There is a HUGE difference between discipline and beating.
Just because I don't re-post or share every military awareness picture doesn't mean I don't support the military. My husband proudly served the Army and was sent overseas. Our military men and women sacrifice everything and more for our rights and our freedoms while a lot of people complain about the cost of gas and living in their comfy home or over a cup of Starbucks. While I am hacked off about the cost of gas and living going through the roof, it is not the soldiers fault.
Just because I do not join every cause, re-post, or share every post about abused pets doesn't make me an animal hater. I have cats and one day will have a dog to join them. They are all fixed and I make sure they are cared for and loved. I am against abusing animals and anyone (thing) weaker than you.
Just because I don't post my political views all over the place doesn't mean I don't care about them. It just means I don't want to argue about them. I have my point of view and why I vote the way I do and I do vote! I am a big believer that if you don't vote you cannot grip. You gave up that right by not going to the polls.
My personal views are just that. I come to facebook to catch up with friends, play games, post pics that I think are fun and uplifting because there is too much ugly in the world and I don't wish to add to it.
I am sorry if I offend anyone, but these are my views. Thank you for letting me rant.
Just because I don't re-post or share every post that opposes the violence against children or the death of a terminally ill child doesn't make me an uncaring hag. I have children that I love unconditionally and would do anything to protect. I believe that while children need discipline, they do not deserve to be beaten either physically, verbally or emotionally. There is a HUGE difference between discipline and beating.
Just because I don't re-post or share every military awareness picture doesn't mean I don't support the military. My husband proudly served the Army and was sent overseas. Our military men and women sacrifice everything and more for our rights and our freedoms while a lot of people complain about the cost of gas and living in their comfy home or over a cup of Starbucks. While I am hacked off about the cost of gas and living going through the roof, it is not the soldiers fault.
Just because I do not join every cause, re-post, or share every post about abused pets doesn't make me an animal hater. I have cats and one day will have a dog to join them. They are all fixed and I make sure they are cared for and loved. I am against abusing animals and anyone (thing) weaker than you.
Just because I don't post my political views all over the place doesn't mean I don't care about them. It just means I don't want to argue about them. I have my point of view and why I vote the way I do and I do vote! I am a big believer that if you don't vote you cannot grip. You gave up that right by not going to the polls.
My personal views are just that. I come to facebook to catch up with friends, play games, post pics that I think are fun and uplifting because there is too much ugly in the world and I don't wish to add to it.
I am sorry if I offend anyone, but these are my views. Thank you for letting me rant.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Thanks For The Lasagna
Hi! Well, I decided that after doing a guest blog for Paulette (her blogs are always fun to read and can be found here). She wasn't feeling very well, but she took the time to write this for me and picked a favorite memory! She understands my warped and sometimes snarky sense of humor. I love her no matter what and have always said she is the yin to my yang. Below the picture is what she wrote. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did!
So Everline asked if I would like to guest post and tell y'all a story y'all may not know. It took me a bit but I think I have a fun story to tell.
It all started about 17 years ago, give or take a year or so. We were in High School. I think we were introduced to each other by a mutual friend. To say we didn't like each other would be an understatement. She thought I was a stuck up bitch and I thought she was just a bitch. Yet somehow we ended up becoming best friends. I cannot even tell how or when it happened. It just did.
We stayed close even after I graduated and then we kind of went on with our own lives. I got married about a yr before her. She was my Maid of Honor as my Matron of Honor couldn't make it. She somehow got out of work and got there. It was amazing, really. This is the kind of person she is. If you are friend or family she goes above and beyond to be there for you. This is not really my story but rather back story. Stay with me.
Since I was married we kind of lost each other for a bit. She also met my Hubs best friend at the time and fell in love. Thanks to me and a twist of Fate. She got married and moved out of town for awhile. We lost touch for several years. Til out of the blue she mails me a letter. I have no idea how she got my address. But there it was in my mailbox. Your basic hey how are you and oh by the way are you pregnant?
HUH?! Yeah, that was exactly my thoughts. Because as it happens, I was pregnant with my first child. Thus a friendship was once again established.
Fast forward to 2006 when I was pregnant with my last baby. She was part of the reason I did not go stir crazy with that pregnancy. She called every day just to chat about nothing and everything. She visited as often as she was able. Bringing food, especially craved foods like Jack in the Box. She had not been able to be around much for my first two pregnancies and had only heard stories and seen the babies afterwards. She knew I had been on bed rest with Bridge, too and that this time it was nearly driving me bonkers. So she kept me entertained as much as possible.
With Meg, she actually got to visit me in the hospital after she was born. Days later I was home and she was knocking at my door to visit and bring food. You know you have a real tight friendship when you open up your door and the first thing your BFF says to you is not hello but rather, "I Hate You!", as she hands you a lasagna and gives you a hug.
You see, as with my first two pregnancies after pushing out babies I left the hospital looking like I couldn't possibly have done so. So she was a tad jealous but in a loving sort of way. I just laughed at her and said, "Love you, too. Thanks for the lasagna."
Our friendship has always been this way. Not really jealous of each other but just teasing. Don't let that fool you cause there's been plenty of times where we have dropped everything to get to each other and support and uplift. Turns out, that she is the only person I didn't like at first that has become my friend. Not just my friend but my best friend. We are like sisters and joke with her Mom that we must of been separated at birth. We find this funny but I don't think her Mom does.
So Everline asked if I would like to guest post and tell y'all a story y'all may not know. It took me a bit but I think I have a fun story to tell.
It all started about 17 years ago, give or take a year or so. We were in High School. I think we were introduced to each other by a mutual friend. To say we didn't like each other would be an understatement. She thought I was a stuck up bitch and I thought she was just a bitch. Yet somehow we ended up becoming best friends. I cannot even tell how or when it happened. It just did.
We stayed close even after I graduated and then we kind of went on with our own lives. I got married about a yr before her. She was my Maid of Honor as my Matron of Honor couldn't make it. She somehow got out of work and got there. It was amazing, really. This is the kind of person she is. If you are friend or family she goes above and beyond to be there for you. This is not really my story but rather back story. Stay with me.
Since I was married we kind of lost each other for a bit. She also met my Hubs best friend at the time and fell in love. Thanks to me and a twist of Fate. She got married and moved out of town for awhile. We lost touch for several years. Til out of the blue she mails me a letter. I have no idea how she got my address. But there it was in my mailbox. Your basic hey how are you and oh by the way are you pregnant?
HUH?! Yeah, that was exactly my thoughts. Because as it happens, I was pregnant with my first child. Thus a friendship was once again established.
Fast forward to 2006 when I was pregnant with my last baby. She was part of the reason I did not go stir crazy with that pregnancy. She called every day just to chat about nothing and everything. She visited as often as she was able. Bringing food, especially craved foods like Jack in the Box. She had not been able to be around much for my first two pregnancies and had only heard stories and seen the babies afterwards. She knew I had been on bed rest with Bridge, too and that this time it was nearly driving me bonkers. So she kept me entertained as much as possible.
With Meg, she actually got to visit me in the hospital after she was born. Days later I was home and she was knocking at my door to visit and bring food. You know you have a real tight friendship when you open up your door and the first thing your BFF says to you is not hello but rather, "I Hate You!", as she hands you a lasagna and gives you a hug.
You see, as with my first two pregnancies after pushing out babies I left the hospital looking like I couldn't possibly have done so. So she was a tad jealous but in a loving sort of way. I just laughed at her and said, "Love you, too. Thanks for the lasagna."
Our friendship has always been this way. Not really jealous of each other but just teasing. Don't let that fool you cause there's been plenty of times where we have dropped everything to get to each other and support and uplift. Turns out, that she is the only person I didn't like at first that has become my friend. Not just my friend but my best friend. We are like sisters and joke with her Mom that we must of been separated at birth. We find this funny but I don't think her Mom does.
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